Finding Home
Ever since I was a little girl I can remember wanting to be a ballerina, a dancer, or gymnast of some sort. Any type of sport that would allow me to reclaim my body and have some type of control after years of early childhood trauma.
When I was 24 years old, I took my first ballet class at Alvin and Ailey dance studio in NYC. This was a beginners ballet class but dancers moved and glided around me like they walked on water. I could see that dancing in my room and in front of mirror doors was not the world I entered in as a young adult.
Although disheartening at first, sitting in that class taught me that I may not be able to be a ballerina as a full-blown adult, but at least I took the steps to try.
Throughout my own inner child work, I often visualized younger me as a ballerina in a music box. My trauma caused me to feel stuck, hoping to one-day get out. At times, that stuck feeling felt safe. It felt like being aware of all the bad and familiar feelings/spaces was a good thing and nothing needed to change. Whereas other days, I would yearn for people to take notice, open the music box and hear my music play. To take the time to listen, hear my voice and help.
Like layers of a ballerina’s dance attire, my trauma ran beyond what you could see on the outside. It is and was deeply ingrained in my mind, my body and my soul. Leaving me with this feeling of displacement, unworthiness, and isolation.
Creating a safe space for myself as an adult has been difficult. Everything feels brand new, my surroundings are not as toxic and chaotic, and I get to control how I live my life. When you are a survivor of trauma, those choices feel so far away. Creating a space for yourself where you can see that you are not that small, fragile, child anymore can feel scary and overwhelming.
I learned that it was okay to be scared when I took that first ballet class. I learned that it’s okay to expose myself to new situations even if it feels unknown and overwhelming.
You can take actionable steps towards change in your life by recognizing that:
Sometimes the fear is there for a reason, to protect ourselves and to make sure that we are always safe. Utilize fear of new things as an opportunity to learn and grow. You are safe in the spaces that you create as an adult because you create them for yourself.
It can feel comforting to stay in the bubble of chaos and toxicity. It can feel comforting because it is all we know but in order to create a safe home for ourselves we have to unlearn what we’ve been taught. Unlearning comes with therapy, spiritual work (if you are connected to a higher power in that way), and breaking down of the cycles that were so deeply enmeshed in our daily lives.
It’s okay to make choices now. It’s okay to learn how to make choices as an adult and feel scared of making those choices on your own. Our entire lives we’ve had to battle with someone making that choice for us, that 99% put us in danger. You get to choose now. You get to make a choice now.
By taking steps to create my own choices in life, I slowly began to create safety within myself and build a foundation for a home that I can call my own.
Ashante Taylorcox, Founder of You Are More Than
Ashante Taylorcox, Founder of You Are More Than, is a licensed associate therapist in New Jersey practicing with children, teens, families and adults who are survivors of childhood trauma. Ashante is a strong advocate for survivors of exploitation, individuals within the LGBTQ+ community and navigating through intergenerational trauma as a POC. She strives to one day open up her own organization for survivors of CSEC in NJ. You can find her on instagrams at (You_Are_More_Than)!
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